Relationship System Failure™ (RSF): When Your Business Relationship Needs a Reboot
Relationships are hard. Workplace relationships are even harder. Layered on top of the differences we each bring to any relationship—cultural background, family history, identity, personality, goals, and expectations—are the extra pressures of the workplace. The stakes for failure are higher, and the need to get work done can prioritize establishing and maintaining trusted relationships. At some point in our careers, most of us will find ourselves feeling alienated from or upset with our colleagues, with no hope that things will change—a condition that I call Relationship System Failure™ (RSF).
While there are many ways to describe relationships that have gone wrong somehow, I prefer to borrow the terminology of “system failure” from computer science. We’ve all been there before - staring in frustration at our computer when it gives us an error message or shuts off inexplicably. When our computer completely crashes or displays the “blue screen of death,” it isn’t due to a minor bug - it’s a system-wide failure. Similarly, all relationships will have rough days. The days when we aren’t our best selves, the days when we take out our frustrations on the person who happens to be closest to us at the time. But when a relationship has entered into RSF, there are fundamental problems with the relationship’s processes. When a relationship is in RSF, harsh criticism isn’t a one-off comment that will be apologized for tomorrow, it’s part of an ongoing pattern - it’s a systemic issue.
Relationship processes (systems or dynamics) happen in every relationship, whether we are conscious of them or not. This is what all relationships are made of - moment-to-moment interactions that result in people instinctively turning away from, turning toward, or turning against one another, as Drs. John and Julie Gottman found in their research on married couples. As these exchanges accumulate - and there are millions of them per day - the negative ones tend to keep snowballing. Ideally, these exchanges are each processed before they harm the relationship. Unfortunately, for many business partners and cofounders, these challenging exchanges are not addressed; instead, they build up over time to the point of reaching Relationship System Failure™.
So, how do you know if your relationship with your cofounder or business partner has entered into RSF? Because RSF results from a set of negative processes built up over time, there is no single sign of RSF present in every dysfunctional relationship. Instead, RSF can be seen in familiar patterns, a constellation of signs and symptoms that tend to appear together. These signals primarily appear in communication challenges and overall feelings toward the relationship. Consider if any of the following describe your business partnership:
There is a disconnect between words and actions. After meetings, you often fear that the actions agreed upon won’t be implemented.
Trust and commitment to one another, and the business has plummeted, replaced by a pervading sense of anxiety and being out of control.
Gridlock on significant issues leads to a feeling of powerlessness. Conversations often result in frustration rather than clarity; your opinion doesn’t seem to matter.
Transparency feels impossible because you’re afraid of being judged. Your sense of isolation is increasing.
Misalignment in goals and values results in an inability to execute on essential tasks, which only enhances the tension.
When open conflict occurs, you often feel confused about the issue you’re actually fighting about; mostly, you come away feeling unfairly picked on and disliked.
If after reading those descriptions you’re still not sure if your business partnership is in RSF, it might be helpful to consider whether any of the following statements are ones that you’ve ever said or thought:
“We are fighting more than ever”
“Our arguments escalate very quickly”
“I’m not sure what we are actually arguing about”
“We don’t share the same values or goals”
“My cofounder doesn’t seem very committed to the company”
“Our division of the workload or responsibilities does not feel equitable”
“We have irreconcilable differences”
“As much as I love this company, I might leave just to get away from my business partner”
If any of those statements reflect your thoughts or feelings about your business relationship, then it most likely is in or about to enter RSF. If that’s the case, you might be wondering about the seriousness of the issue. If work is still getting done, does it really matter if you don’t enjoy being in the same room as your cofounder?
Yes, it does. It matters in two important ways: it matters for the growth and success of your business, and it matters for your own personal well-being.
For your business, RSF often means that
Objectives and Key Business Results (OKRs) are harder to achieve
Momentum and inspiration are lost
Business development stalls
Day-to-day problem-solving becomes less effective
Performance and revenue lines are decreased
Decision-making processes suffer
Company-wide culture declines and takes on negative attributes
People are under leveraged in their capacities (their skills, strengths, and desires)
For you personally, RSF often means that
Your satisfaction with your work decreases
Your commitment to your company declines
Your other relationships suffer
Your performance and output are reduced
You are at greater risk of suffering from mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, or addiction
You are at higher risk for experiencing burnout
And yet, it doesn’t have to be this way; while developing trusted relationships with your colleague can seem impossible at times, it requires learning how to observe and make changes to your relationship processes. I call this Intentional Relationships™ - the relationships where how things are said and done are paid just as much attention, if not more attention, than the actual content of your conversations and interactions. However, practicing the art of Intentional Relationships™ means more than just becoming aware of relationship processes. It also means proactively and intentionally shaping those systems to work for the good of the relationship rather than against it.
In future blog posts, I will describe some of the beneficial processes that characterize the Intentional Relationship™, but for now, I will simply describe my overall approach to helping cofounders and other business leaders move their relationships from rupture to repair. My approach involves three main steps:
Understand. During this stage of the process, I observe and assess the relationship dynamics, values (both individual and collective), personalities, and interpersonal strengths and challenges of everyone involved.
Solve. During the second stage, I develop a behavioral prescription plan that addresses the underlying relationship systems to enhance my client’s strengths and overcome their challenges. Clear guidelines and support are provided to help clients implement the prescription plan.
Strategize. In the final stage, I collaborate with my clients to develop a suite of tools and processes that will support their ongoing relationship systems and attain their specific business goals. Intentional Relationships™ is an approach that does more than just solve relationship problems - it’s an ongoing maintenance plan to prevent breakdowns from occurring in the first place.
By providing structure, guidance, and consultation to company founders and business leaders, I help them uncover and address the interpersonal issues that create barriers to success. As a result, their Relationship System Failure™ is repaired. Even if you do not directly work with me, please know this - it is possible for relationship issues to be addressed, and any time spent repairing or cultivating your business relationship is a wise investment.
It may seem impossible to believe but working through interpersonal conflict often results in profound growth. People typically become better than they were before the pain of the dysfunction occurred. Struggles reveal who we are. When we have a deeper understanding of ourselves, we can achieve greater integrity: our thoughts, words, and actions are increasingly aligned. Even if one particular relationship cannot be repaired (which can happen for a variety of reasons), the act of working through interpersonal struggles can help us emerge from these experiences stronger than before and better prepared to engage in all of our future relationships.